Spectator of My Own Body
For this short series I wanted to explore memory loss and how I am reconciling the ability to remember intimate details of environments I grew up in but very little details of the experiences I had. I wanted to interrogate my own memory not only to remember events of my childhood but to understand how emotionally detached I feel from the moments of anxiety and trauma. I can run through a tour in my head of a childhood home, remembering the smell of each room, the way the carpet feels, where the floors creak, and yet my siblings will describe traumatic events we went through that I have almost no memory of. This is where constructed memory becomes of interest; I have "memories" of events happening around me, but instead of it unfolding through my own perspective, I see it as if I was a spectator of my own body.
Oil painting is a new medium for me, many of my influences for this project are oil painters and it became clear that I had to pursue it for this project. I generally struggle to keep my paintings from becoming too rigid and the process of painting these helped me begin to embrace loose brushwork. I have used bright or discordant colors to approach serious subjects in previous work, and here it serves to suggest these perspectives or experiences are seen through a somewhat detached lens. Ultimately this series as a means of exploring that emotional isolation, inconsistent memory, and difficulty processing the weight of an emotional burden that I have recently discovered in myself.